Setting Hard Boundaries for My Own Sanity and Peace
Sorry I do not have an essay today, but I wanted to make a general overview in the form of a list of things I’ve been feeling lately about boundaries and how I’ve felt like I’ve never truly had creative agency in my life (which was part of the reason why stepping away from social media and Substack was a necessary move). All of this will be discussed in detail later, but for now, here’s what I’ve been mulling over:
Greatness, depth, and originality do not come from status-seeking or angling for prestige. I’m not impressed by credentials or connections. I’m the least opportunistic person I know. In fact, contorting myself and restraining myself (because I am not naturally an elite) caused more of a writer’s block and I invalidated my real interests. I will always root for the unpretentious, low-status underdog with raw talent and hard-earned resilience over someone socially polished and does all the right things but is lacking in spirit, hunger, and rare conviction. We should question why snobbish social status rules have to prevent people from taking action, living authentically, and moving forward the best they can even if they are lacking in a worldly sense.
I do not want to be manipulated or made to feel guilty for taking care of myself for an extended period of time. Because I never gave myself a hard reset or figured out what I actually wanted or delved deeply into what I felt most called to pursue, I feel like I personally need at least two years of a break from incompatible friendships, social media, and writing on any platform other than this website.
I will not allow people to make me feel like my introverted, low-activity, and mundane lifestyle is something to be pitied or fixed. It really does not need fixing. I feel most like myself with this lifestyle that I have chosen, and I won’t put up with people pitying me for not being like an elite extrovert with a large social circle. I don’t give a crap about city living or being admired only by high-status people. Nobody should be imposing their desires on me.
My broad range of interests and disparate passions are strengths, not liabilities. I was born to do something rare with them. I do not care to listen to advice that tells me I can’t like certain things because they don’t signal worldly sophistication. My unexplainable and mysterious fascination for multiple (and often clashing) genres are here for a reason—I have more potential for originality than people who are experts at only one thing and think that status validates them. Very rarely do people want to combine T.S. Eliot’s skill in symbolism with Westerns, prairie books, medieval fantasy, military sci-fi, space operas, character studies with deep psychological insights, and songwriter biographies into one major masterpiece. I have what it takes, and I won’t let anybody meddle with that process or tell me that I’m “not allowed to do that” because it won’t give me prestige or attract the right people.
My spiritual intuition is far more powerful than people think it is. It’s why I’ve been most receptive to direct messages from my mother who warned me about certain people in my life who were suffocating me, not letting me thrive my own way, stifled my intuition, and drained my life force by meddling with my life choices—making me self-doubt so much. I have been a timid, indecisive doormat for so long, which is why people feel the need to provide guidance that often forces me not to listen to my natural intuition (and that pains me). I deserve to get it back and to set very hard boundaries to preserve it and allow it to manifest itself into something formidable that nobody else can do. It’s also super uncanny that my pen name change coincides with certain life changes and date of events in numerology (more on that later).
I have certain travel plans that make absolutely no sense to anybody—especially those who seek status and want to go to fashionable places. But I want to do what soothes my soul and helps me hear my own voice better. I’ll explore my own way without letting anybody make me feel like I’m “missing out” on other experiences they insist I must have to be sophisticated enough. For example, if NYC is not at the top of the list, don’t shame me for it.
I will not tolerate being labeled as “stagnant” for deliberately choosing a quieter and slower-paced life and refusing to partake in high-status activities. Choosing something simpler and more accessible would allow me to grow and gives me the most personal freedom—it’s far better than getting stuck in constant paralysis because I don’t meet some pretentious snob’s requirements for what it means to live a good life. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for permission or feel like I’m constantly critiqued for making “inferior” choices.
I can’t stand micromanagement or the frantic need to intervene or the insistence that I need more stimulation. It signals that I need “fixing” and that I am a problem to be corrected. Just because I don’t show visible progress it doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot going on in the background. The irony is that constant meddling was forcing me to abandon my true internal growth in the first place.
I just want to feel joy and wonder, tapping into something magical I had as a child, and I know what it takes to find it. I have not lost that ability over all these years. Earnestness is what saves me. I’d rather be an earnest and childlike “fool” who is most receptive to wonder than to be some condescending person who’s blasé about life and always sees introverts as needing to be corrected and punished. I let others get in my way, and I’m done with that. Contentment with fewer things is something I’m beginning to learn and it’s nothing to get frantic about. I want to be my own individual and not be shamed for it.
Lastly, I wanted to share a quote about INFPs that explains all this: “INFPs are accepting and nonjudgmental in their treatment of others, believing that each person must follow their own path. They are flexible and accommodating, and can often see many points of view. It is important to the INFP to support other people; however, the INFP may react strongly if they feel their own values are being violated. They especially hate being steamrolled by people who insist there is one right way to do things,” (Molly Owens of Truity Blog).
I know that this radical change and alone time will give me the necessary room for personal development. I will not be accepting unsolicited advice at this time. Let me listen to my inner voice for once.